Poem: Leaves

You’d think it was construction noise
Or like something that had no choice
But they are just sucking up leaves
As if they havn’t been just green

You’d think the sky comes falling down
Or helicopters flying round
But they are sucking up the leaves
As if they never have been green

You’d think they’re sucking up the leaves
With one of these fucking machines
But that was just a different sound
That should have been 10 times as loud

So despite everything that’s taught
Those leaves seem to need to be fought
I just don’t really seem to get
The lack of mowing lawn duet

Now still mean to make fun of it
But uninspiring much such shit
Just maybe like an angry bee
That they don’t really coming see

But yeah a wasp would be prefered
Because there is enough of hurt
Or metaphoricly a bear
that they don’t really coming hear

It doesn’t really mean a thing
but measureing up my feeling
Of course I want them to be safe
And may they always be that brave

There is just only one more thing
That didn’t really want to ring
Because how could you not believe
To actually just leave the leaves

So maybe it’s not about that
And other reasons are instead
Like wanting it all to be green
To look away to not be seen

But maybe only seems like that
And there is something else instead
And without seeing some relief
It seems to be a thing to leave

Or maybe it was just about
To shout SHUT UP! surely as loud
As this just really made one feel
Since that is what is real

Justifying or explaining oneself

I don’t really get why this has such a negative frame. And maybe it is because of guilt or a defensive behaviour. Or maybe it is the case that the intention isn’t even to justify. Maybe the intention was to put right or to show something in a connecting way. But somehow it got mischanneled, something like a automatic expression.

I remember situations when I felt really good after putting something right, where  at first I felt like I better don’t justify but interestingly I didn’t even want to do any of that. So it’s quite funny. It’s like not wanting to do something you didn’t mean to do in the first place but by not doing so you also overgo the actual thing.

It feels really good to express what one meant, it’s got a certain energy and it’s just good 🙂 because otherwise misunderstandings just fucking can take up space and you know. To me the bad image of justifying which probably also has a good meaning, to me it’s got something repressive. You could really express things with good vibe.

Actually I remember a little situation from today. I was printing out some things at a store and I asked how to make multiple copies and the guy (idiot) said I would have to push a button. To which I reacted with Oh really and that already felt off. So he acted like it’s fucking obvious I would have to push a number simply. But it’s not fucking obvious because you could also have to push some menu button first. So he went back to his corner leaving me feeling a little bit stupid so I took a moment to listen inside and then said But it’s not that it was obvious! slightly jokingly and he went like No problem kinda excusingly.

You gotto know, I live in a place where there tons of these fucking doublebinds and I’m so fucking sick of it.

So, sometimes there is surely such a thing as justifying and sometimes something else gets framed the same way I feel.

There seems to be more to it but I can’t put my finger on it.

 

 

A little story about being self-conscious

At times I feel a little selfconscious. I was sitting at a busstop that was out of service, to relax. And I got a bit selfconscious about it looking as if I was waiting for the bus. Until I realised that my selfconsciousness already includes knowing that the busstop is out of service. It’s rather a metaphor cause there is nothing to this situation really. Now you might think, ok if I wasn’t selfconscious then it’s not inclusive so you might get s.c. because of that but then you would realise that being s.c. still is absurd for the reason I just mentioned, so it’s kind of a thing of you might aswell not be s.c. or nevermind or such. Or wait, maybe just switch back and forth 🙂 until you are tired of this silly stuff. Because haha everytime you are selfconscious it is true: It includes you know the busstop is out of service hahaha

And anyway 🙂 whoever relaxes waiting for the bus? The reason people are looking is very different. They might wanna know how can you just do that so easily or they don’t even know why they are looking. But the last thing that would appear to them is that you were waiting for a bus which isn’t even a big deal but we fear to look stupid. We fear to think we would do something stupid and others believing it. In itself we do not fear to have mistaken that, which is why, to say, that it is no big deal has something dumbing down to it, if you would take it in a advice giving way which it isn’t.

Poem: Relief

To single out what sometimes seems to be so far away
wrapped up in doubt and fear vaguely interspersed in our days
hold on to it and won’t you ever try to let it go
for it will always find a way and knock back at your door
survey the essence and confide it right back to your heart
just that it never seemed to belong to another part

Declining darkness ultimately alongside with your fears
can’t help to unremarkably and slowly disappear
before you held on merely to enfeebling morbid fights
seemingly wasted time so gently soothed by guiding lights
they boldly shine as if there never was a single doubt
blissfully burning thorny trappings of your gasping heart