When I was a child and overall younger I didn’t know about relationships but I surely had more of them and of better quality.
You probably know the feeling of being irritated about what is me and what is this role. What are my real insecurities and what is just something that isn’t really real.
From experience I can say that the biggest reason for suffering is actually to confuse yourself with such role because it brings you away from yourself. And this is also where fears come in, fear of confusing yourself. Often we do not even realize this fear.
How can it be that at times we are confident and feel like we can handle things and other times we lose belief in ourselves?
It must also be about perception.
So in this post I want to give a bit Inspiration towards staying more with oneself. I’m not saying this is always working but it can help creating a better feeling for yourself from which you have a more realitical perception.
The idea is to act the role or to come from a mindset of such.
But first a not literal quote about acting: ” A bad actor trying to act a drunk tries to talk and walk drunk. A good actor knows a drunk tries to talk and walk straight.”
What that means for this role which really has plenty of negative perceptions one may not be aware of – is to be a bad actor for this role. We are really good at acting it. We enable, we defend cause we react to emotions. So the idea is to feel differently about it through perception. And a good disidentification exercise is to be a bad actor with this role.
Which simply means instead of trying to move on or feel more confident or self- aware (walking straight) one would actually try the opposite 🙂 And by doing so you create an effect of connecting more to yourself.
It reminds me of school when I was to present something AFTER somebody, I was the 2nd guy, the person being very nervous. And i wondered why did that make me confident? Did I feed off the person I wondered but now I know. I realized how absurd it was to be nervous cause of the perception from the pov of the audience and the realistiical perception of the audience. I realized her reasons for being nervous and I saw nothing real about it. That’s why it was easy for me afterwards. It brought me closer to myself. She did the disidentification for me and I was pretty much observing myself when confusing myself with somebody.
But this also means we still are ourselves when we act this out. It’s not really confusing yourself with someone. It’s just the perceptions.
But it can lead to further disidentification from yourself if you try to act it poorly while feeling it cause something may have triggered you. Yet just the thought of it can help to make a switch in your perception and it can lead to being amused or assertive. A tricky thing could be to not feel as if you would parodize yourself. The focus is on liberation from a perception.
You could also observe somebody how he looks at you the old way and let go of the need to proof yourself or to show who you are cause that’s like trying to walk straight. It creates boundaries so buttons don’t get pushed.
Or it can be applied for other situations. If you try to find a job and there are no other reasons and you actually would just like to have one but for some reason it doesn’t work, it may be because you try to walk straight and that’s what our environment also suggests. Especially family treats one as if we would be dumb or such and they act as if it’s a wonder if we would improve in something they see us struggeling with, all the while not realizing (or actually being aware) that this frames the role. But surely there are other reasons. The functioning of the family is based on a distorted perception of the scapegoat so it is biased and pointless to try to reach family. Yet if one steps aside it may lead to a better functionng afterwards or at least to the person in the scapegoat role getting on with their life.
They love playing games and pushing buttons. It’s good to know the games but then forget about it. What I found works well is if you take them for real and keep respect unless it gets too absurd. It is tempting to react to the communication under the radar in whatever way. But this is exactly where you gotto block. They hope you pick up on it and dock.
It is similar to being unconditioned to their stuff. As if you were naive. Just that it is too late for that. But it isn’t. You just block it out because you may have enough of it, find it lame. The one thing that may keep you from doing this is because you may feel you look dumb or so cause they really make it obvious and they know that you got it.
A mindset for that would be: I know you play games, I know your games. I’m tired of it. I chose to not let it happen in my reality. Effectively it is reverse gaslighting side-effecrt wise. This way you communicate higher vibe, just not with words cause they lead into games. And you would communicate that you know what they do but you find it lame yet atst that’s also a reaction which is rather subtle though.
On top of it you could even give them your reality, treating them with respect and genuine. Now to them you look like a huge fool, so don’t look at yourself through their eyes. It is about that we do need to express who we are in order to stay connected to ourselves. Since your communication includes at the basis “It’s lame” or “do not want+plus respect ” it loses its foolish touch when you would i.e. genuinely thank them for something. For some things this is better done assertively other things it may work being totally genuine. Who knows, this way they may even remember who they were or actually feel foolish for playing these games. One just doesn’t have to expect anything cause then you would get disappointed. It is all done from a mature attitude and framed like this.
Lets take an example:
You do know what *obvious thing* is do you? (often prior to that you asked them to explain something that didn’t make sense and now they attack to defend)
reaction 1: surprised, falls for the suggestion, playing dumb or justifying
reaction 2: Of course i do (biting back), maybe a mix of fear and anger, leads into their game
reaction 3: feeling attacked, hit but acting as if not…they realize that and take that as a hit/food
reaction 4: genuine unbiased anger or speaking up, deals with emotions, liberates, not always best choice but also underused
reaction 5: looking at them genuinely surprised because you set your mind to taking them for real and reply Of course with an understood intonation. But it doesn’t have anything of Are you stupid ? in a biting back way in it. It just makes them feel like it as a side-effect. They may think that you are actually playing them when you are not doing that.
You can see them being upset when something they tried failed, which is proof they tried it in case you were not sure.
or whatever else reaction, like maybe something more assertive: Look!, … .
Now it my sound easy but it takes practice and especially through imagination, situations from your past or anticipated ones. And I don’t recommend trying the genuine thing in the beginning. It just matters to block that under the radar communication. It includes things as not laughing when laughing would mean to get something underneath, then not to feel bad for not laughing and also to not fall for feeling like you play them and smile undernearth it. That would actually be them playing you then.
Surely it’s normal to communicate on both levels in fact the actual communication of course is between the lines BUT they have 2 different things on both channels. Well actually this can also be playful but they act as if they are not communicating on one channel, actually robbing one of the actual important interaction where you would otherwise feel eased up and trusting. And all that could go as healthy anger into the attitude to have counter energy.
I was wondering why is it so confusing and irritating when somebody says that.
First of all the question is what else are we if not ourselves. And I can only talk from my perspective, coming from a dysfunctional family from the so called scapegoat role I found myself throughout my life like 50 % myself with other biases and 50 % that role. It is like a constant struggle for me and some situations it is easy to be myself. Then I look back at situations where I stuggled and it’s all clear and I wished I could relived it and done it differently.
The main problem to me seems prejudice and lack of understanding but this way it also gets framed as a helpless situation depending on others. Anyway whoever gives you credit for just acting a certain way and then 10 seconds later after the two of you said bye being yourself realizing you just acted out something else or enabled. But the situation is more complicated since this enabling. It makes people not connect, the same people that could have a decent conversation when they met lets say on the beach drinking a beer on a summer evening or especially on holiday.
But lets get to some potential solutions for this.
Well before that I want to clarify – or at least thats how I think it is – that when one is not oneself it doesn’t mean it would be like somebody else. It is still oneself and the tricky thing about this are emotions and identification. The moment you try to handle emotions and behave reactively which is healthy cause you express yourself, you also identify yourself with this role. The main thing that I didn’t and still not fully got , is that disidentification doesn’t mean to disidentify from your feelings and yourself then eventually.
So lets say there is a situation and afterwards you feel angry or maybe revengeful which is the follow up of being sad (well sometimes anger gets accessable after crying sometimes the other way around and it’s important to allow this function of your body to detoxify from otherwise depressing energy) Usually I would use this anger from this role, identifying myself with it I mean I already did that prior to that cause I wouldn’t feel like it otherwise. An example would be somebody critisizing something about my life that though is not my fault but a result of certain conditioning or past decisions based on that role. At the same time that sounds as if I don’t have any responsibility for my life and that’s the next point. I realized I do have but when I made certain decisions or no decisions I didn’t know I have that which is the actual conditioning. If one behaves angry towards this person one also accepts this as part of ones life which is natural though and needed and things in life never go this and then that, it’s usually something complicated for the mind that is better left to be done intuitively .
Now it’s still helpful to express anger but there a solution for that, if one tries to force it it won’t work but if it comes up naturally it does work pretty well or has the potential.
It is about using your anger and maybe even feelings of revenge and other things but then use it for being yourself. It is really counter-intuitive. It could mean to be actually friendly to a person you don’t like for the reason that this person adresses you as this role and ignores who you are or the two of you are constantly enabling back and forth or it may be a consciously or intuitively abusive person pushing your buttons.
The two reasons why this usually does not work is because the intention may be to be friendly, to get harmony or to get verified as if you wait for this person to finally see you for who you are which is a classic dynamic with parents.
How could one be friendly when you have anger? And the answer is it is not about friendlyness. Friendlyness is just a side-effect of being yourself but it then could become friendlyness cause you don’t view the other person as an enemy anymore. Lets say you are in a great mood and then you meet such a person and it can happen that one hides his good mood also cause it already slightly changed maybe. Often times I didn’t know how to express my anger, if I did it usually made things worse. I felt better but then the dynamic got fed again aswell. That being said there is also a way to speak up and not feed into it, yet this has so many doors that lead back into it.
Other reasons why it may not work is because we may want to bite back so to speak with our good mood but by doing so also feeding into the dynamic.
I remember one day a few years back where this worked, just that I didn’t know what I was doing and I lost touch to it. I remember my brother being very irritated cause he had no food so to speak. I was very chatty and just felt very free and liberated and little self-conscious but mindful, just being intuitively connected to myself and acting out who I am naturally. I usually am not that chatty in family for obvious reaons. And if one tries hard to be like this you add pressure and you actually come from a lower position. But once the anger and rebellious feelings are used to be oneself where one doesn’t try to get verified something happens and that is you get back in touch with who you are.
Another way this may not work is if the intuition or awareness of who is you is not yet strong enough or if one gets upset if it doesn’t work, then you may also use the anger on yourself but you always have the option to use it for being yourself and the reactions can be quite amusing in a liberating way cause some people get completely confused and we tend to be living up to what we started so to speak.
This way one could even get lost in a situation and then the next moment being yourself without feeling weird about the contrast cause you use rebellious positive or liberating energy -i don’t know how to call it – which is high vibe. It’s easy to get into the low vibe and we tend to stick in it. Or one may think it would look fake yet this perception doesn’t arise with this energy behind it. So it may likely happen that one gets really angry inside which helps to counter fear but on the outside having really good mood or being assertive and at this point the anger already transformed into something else yet still being the foundation. That being said the day I mentioned where this just worked I woke up and felt not angry at all and just kept up the state after waking up. Yet now I remember that prior to that there was anger that I didn’t feel before.
In this “state” it becomes easy to keep up boundaries, or you’ll look forward to do things you enjoyed but maybe lost touch to. Fears also lower, and “you” feel more protected. But I think this state means to just be yourself and it is not about protecting your inner child or such, it actually means you realize you are your “inner child” which happens to be not that “childish” or small as this metapher suggests. Childish yes, in a selfexpressive way as it comes with and definitely more mature than most of what is considered adult. That being said all these states and conecpts are still confusing to me and I guess it doesn’t matter. Atst I think it is important to protect vulnerable parts.
I was waking up the other day when a bee tried to get out in the open again and her buzzes kept me awake. I stayed in bed hoping it would find the exit but it just flew against the window pane over and over again.
Then I was thinking how this is exactly how one could get stuck in life. When you try over and over the same thing. But the main part is the frustration from in this case not finding the exit and from the overall established situation.
And the only way it seems to change something about that is to let go of the distress and just fly out and never look back. Or especially through letting go you then have enough space in your sight to even see the opportunites.
The trappy thing about such a situation – being stuck in life – are the emotions. It’s not good to ignore them or act as if everything is just fine, yet being angry and frustrated also doesn’t work, or it depends, expressing emotions is never a bad idea, yet it could reconfirm something that keeps one stuck.
The bee seemed frustrated. Only after she stopped trying the old way she must have found the gap. And once she was out she likely didn’t care much.
But imagine she would have stayed in this position for quite a while, she would probably identified itself with it which is rather a metapher.
So as for such situations it seems that letting go of emotions that reconfirm a self-fulfilling selfimage is the key but the way it is done is through insight and not self-critically or such, just knowing that one did it the wrong way and that was why things didn’t got better and then trusting into a change and through this letting go of frustration.
It’s like you walked down the wrong road and it’s pointless to walk back or on and you can only leave that road.
Another thing that comes with it is the way our realtionships established during such times. And one probably feels the need to stay consistent and how would that look if you would just be like someone else almost or actually just the way one is which is easy to lose touch to. Here i think the best thing one could do is to simply be oneself and never bother to explain yourself or wait for confirmation or such or try to figure out what others may think now and by doing this not getting back on the old road.
One’s literally gotto to leave the whole situation with all that came with it – including ways of looking at life -at the future, the past and all the comforting things about it also. And the main tricky thing is to not leave yourself in such situation behind and walk on empty. It’s all in the way one lets go. It “should” be almost playful or refreshed and calm and not trying hard but it is also possible to try hard not to try hard 😉 which is why i don’t like the word should, I just don’t know any better way to phrase it. Yet a fighting attitude may be reasonable aswell.
The moment I wanted to help out the bee by wanting to open the window it was already flewn out but that probably doesn’t mean much, yet i like this as a metapher aswell. Another one would be how peaceful it flies once out compared to the tilted attitude before. Yet it was the same bee.