I feel often we are not kind to ourselves when we know we can do better. But often we also didn’t do better cause our spirit was down and then on top of it sometimes we are not kind to ourselves in such moments or are critical with ourselves which brings us even more down.
This is a double.effect. When our spirit is up we tend to make less mistakes. So be kind to yourself, knowing you could do better but you likely were just down-hearted 🙂
We are expressive beings and surely we could also or do express in such moments, that we are sad or down. It’s just that frustration and such things are better not turned against ourselves through the use of learnt patterns we learnt from others. Surely it expresses but with a different perception emotions could not arise in the first place, resolve or express but not on ourselves but as ourselves.
Then i was thinking that being kind to oneself is more about an inner picture or a perception. A feeling. It’s surely different to when somebody is kind to us.
For stuck situations
Be like a train. With stops I mean.
Fuel: anger for the situation, but it’s not your fault. I could explain but believe me it isn’t This is important so the anger doesn’t go towards yourself.
The kind of anger that lets you function just fine and be respectful or genuinely friendly and giving when you want to but also assertive towards disrespectful behaviour. But not the “anger” that means a button is pushed. That usually goes over the top. I mean the anger that stops others from trying to keep you in your place, where they won’t try to give you their shit and also the anger that stops you from enabeling. The anger that neutralizes fear. It’s there but may not be so easy to get to if there is smoking or other things that may impress rather than express. Smoking is though not just impressing such is drinking. Once rolling there is not just anger but it’s the basic layer. Especially playfulness is back soon then and calmness may also be then the basic layer or part of it.
It comes as a side-effect of perception. But it also makes perception less distorted.
An example to show what I mean. Let’s say you walk down the road and a person stands in the middle of the road 100 meters away from you and should notice you but keeps being busy with something. There is also a friend. You could walk around but you could also realize that you would usually be respectful and leave some space (if you do) and this creates this anger. It’s very different from giving others your shit. Surely it depends on the person and their mood. But if their mood is, that they think they can do it with you, then it means when you get angry, they didn’t expect that and had not done so otherwise which results to being afraid to do it with somebody they think they cannot do it with. So they are underestimating you for whatever reason or you know people, they do random things :), always wanna play a game. So you would naturally allow anger and keep moving and see the person get out of the way (unless they are provoking, then anger doesn’t make sense, it’s very different, then it makes more sense to not fearfully but smartfully avoid the situation) And you may catch yourself saying something like: You stand in the fucking way! (not shouting or blaming, just expressing) and afterwards also not smiling since you were real. Yet it does feel liberating. The energy was on your side but it’s genuine without perceiving it, just being. I mean that’s at least how I see it.
I mean I noticed people only try to give me stuff when I’m down and then when I’m alright and ready nothing happens. I try to look at whatever they say as: Want my shit? It’s free
The beginning is usually the hardest for several reasons. One being that we often do not get immediate results, no quick fix. In order to actually start is helps to become conscious of this feeling and identify the reasons instead of unconsciously procrastinate. In this case it would help to think in long terms, as a journey for example, which is commonly known but for some of us we havn’t learnt to succeed long term. A mindset that may be helpful is: Ok, if i want to *insert what you want* there is no way that I get around making the first step. I know I would at some point make this first step, even if it doesn’t change much in terms of results. So I may aswell do it now, since if I want *this* I know I gotto make exactly this step. It’s like a journey. In order to get to your destination you inevitably need to pass the station that is right after your starting point. Well and if you know you started, if you know the train is moving, this does cause a feeling of calmness. The train moves and we know we will get there, all we gotto focus on is to keep moving and at some point we could be like: Oh, I’m almost there, that was fast.
To take this metapher a little further, we all know sitting in the train and we know oh, it’s such a long drive still and we know we want to get there, the problem is just we want it immediately. Well and then we may get annoyed about it but what happens is, the train keeps moving no matter what and at some point our mood changes to being eased up and looking forward and we realize how enjoyable the journey actually was to the point where we do appreciate it and also realize the actual goal is relative. The moment you reached the first station you reached part of your goal already. For future journeys this means that you will ease up a lot earlier so maybe it’s a good idea to also make learning how to reach a goal another goal, like a combo goal, because then you actually have even more something along the lines of immediate results after the first step.
That being said, I actually don’t like to have goals and then trying to consciously get to that. I orefer to have a feeling of going in the right direction. Also because it adds too much trying hard energy which is conflicting with many things that benefit to getting “there”. Just with some things the rational goal approach works best. For example cleaning ones place, that’s a direct goal whereas finding love is something if you force it, I mean actually one can’t really say this or that, it’s a mix. I guess what I’m trying to say is having a clear goal doesn’t have to come with constraintful energy. And this “have to goal attitude” also usually involves a selfperception of not good enough until goal reached which is counter-productive cause you don’t acknowledge the reasons for the current situation. Another thing is if I plan things too much I feel like I’m spoiling things, and it seems less alive then. I like to keep the goal vague, kinda defined, yet rather feeling it and allowing the way towards it to not be something of less quality than if it is reached. Well and then of course it’s never that linear.
Feeling wise I just recently realized what determination actually is and how it differs from discipline yet discipline in itself isn’t just low vibe. To me it is important to express myself and discipline may be also one way to do that for very individual reasons. Usually discipline though can be rather impressing.
The first premise of this idea is that the world is somewhat upside down. The second one is that motivating yourself is kind of undermining to yourself and I feel there is something unnatural to it. A bird who motivates itself to fly… It would never do that, “it” would just fly.
The third one is that not doing what we want to do is actually really hard and could be looked at as something that needs motivation. For a bird not to fly it’s gotto motivate the heck out of itself to succeed at that ;). But the bird could be afraid to fly, that could be possible too and maybe it sees other birds around who don’t actually fly and thinks it’s a scary thing to do. But then it just flys and scratches its head in confusion as to what on earth the other birds are doing to give the story a proper ending.
Generally as for things we are passionate about it naturally does take a good amount of motivation to actually not do them and getting better at things is primarily a side-effect of doing what we are passionate about although you could easily be passionate about getting better, it’s a joyful activity. But what happens when we try to motivate ourselves? To me it seems we are actually blocking the passion and bringing in the element of discipline which has its place but imo is misapplied all too often. I don’t mean motivation in general without too much discipline which could connect us to the feeling of passion.
This goes back to parenting encourageing vs discipline. Naturally though we don’t need to be encouraged to do what we feel is right.
So it is possible to actually shift things around. Looking at things we want to do as nobrainers. You could look at it as “lazy” to actually do these and as hard to not do them. After all it is something you want to do, you gotto be really disciplined to actually not do it 🙂 You could look at moving as lazy/natural/easy and at sitting as cumbersome and laborious unless you rest. Some activities are naturally done sitting but fall under the moving category such as meditating or writing. Many distractions though require discipline to actually sit and cannot live up to our passions. Overall all it takes is a passion for life but sometimes we lost touch with it in which case we could slowely connect back by reframing things.
Often there is a monkey on our back and we need to relearn to enjoy things we like to do. Otherwise there is this irritating motivation energy. Picture eating icecream with an attitude that could be outlined with thoughts such as: “Ok it’s easy I just use my mouth and..I know I can eat it, I can do it!” How can one possibly enjoy the taste of it with such an attitude? We often do approach for example playing an instrument in such a way where we don’t allow the joy.
If the component of motivation+discpline gets reduced things can flow naturally. Sometimes it’s also about getting angry to connect to aggressions similar to the energy of speaking up to overcome fears that hinder passion.