Realities

It was around 9 pm when he entered the fast food restaurant. He knew it wasn’t healthy but he didn’t feel like cooking. He just put on an old cap. He was dressing down but then it was fine with him.

“Hm maybe 6 cheeseburgers. I’m really hungry. Or maybe 4 and a bigger burger. But which one.” He didn’t really think it, it was more a feeling.

“Well, I’ll see inside.  Havn’t been here in a while.” When he opened the door he felt a sense of pressure. He knew why. And so it would come. But then he didn’t bother. He just didn’t know yet. And a sense of understanding himself cleared the uncomfortable feeling.

So he walked to the counter. The place was empty overall , nobody waiting before him. He could make out a person in the far right corner but since he didn’t know what to eat exactly he intentionally did not make contact.

He looked up to the menues. Couldn’t find what he was looking for. He was about to remember that the prices for the single burgers were written to the side but before he realized it fully the young woman working there asked: “Hello, what would you like to order?”

Her energy was pressuring and distanced. He knew it was coming, that was the feeling when he opened the door. He tought to himself that it’s just a meaningless situation but then the theme involved he realized is not so meaningless.

Surely he could look at her and tell her that he doesn’t know yet. But it felt so absurd. “Isn’t my bodylanguage..didn’t I already tell you I don’t know yet. DO NOT APPROACH ME.” he thought. He felt angry even calmly gestured with his hand to leave him alone,yet she had to act out the waiting annoyed character. Surely he didn’t reply with words. “People are so focussed on words”, he thought, “when you reply with body language they feel offended as if you act a higher status.”

He realized to not be in her movie. What is her movie even? “Am i keeping her waiting?” While he considered it he realized he somewhat lost touch to his reality and he also realized how he acted out her reality. All of a sudden there was a mix of feeling to be handed a villain role.

After all he just ignored her. But then he knew she ignored him first and he knew he didn’t ignore her. She ruined it what could been a decent meaningful human interaction. Yet he understood her. She clearly felt ignored or played the good old got ya game to release and dump stress.

Before he turned to her and smiled, saying: “I don’t know yet.” he felt her eyes on him, pressuring him. This in return made him take longer than he wanted now appearing as if he was holding her up or playing with her.

That’s why he smiled friendly and cleared it up  yet now appearing apologizing. But what for ? Already in her movie. It wasn’t a please like me smile, it wasn’t weak. Understanding is not weak nor is it funny. He stood to his reality.

At the same time he was angry but also amused at the absurd situation.

He asked her: “How much is this burger from this menue by itself?” She hesitated. He knew why and added: “Oh nevermind I see it is written over there.” She replied: “It is written over there.” acting competent and confident while clearly appearing the opposite.

What an absurd thing to say. He hated this low vibe, this, well stupidity. Emotionally stupid, yet he knew it wasn’r right yet real. He understood too well, it can be a problem he thought amused to himself. The reaons why he asked her was because she interrupted him, so he was like: “If you don’t let me look then please go ahead and answer it for me.”

So he again made up for her incompetence by playing it low, realizing it was written over there and the only thing this person could do is to freaking REPEAT what he just said and act as if she said it.

It seemed, to her it was all about avoiding fears, being focussed on her, completely ignoring other people.

He understood her, he remembered the relationship concept from his music therapy apprenticeship. Level 6 and 5, playful interaction, real connection. Level 3 using the therapist for own needs. This must been one of these level 3 situations. Yet this isn’t therapy.

He zoned out. It got too absurd. He knew she would now overly seriously mention the amount of money. She in fact said it twice. Once before she was heading for the serviettes and then again after she returned to hand over everything. He just looked at the number on the screen and tuned her out.

Surely he knew there should be rather a higher vibe interaction leaving the low work vibe behind. Surely he knew even though it is considered standard to mention the amount of money, he knew it is absurd. Something to be done in your sleep, a quick look while relating. She was afraid of relating surely he thought. So she had to make a big deal of the situation. 9 Euro 16 please.

“It was the same vibe when people tell you to enter your pin and verify with the green button” he thought. One time he played dumb. It was fun. “Enter here?” “I’m not sure I get you right, you said green?,this green here? :)” Of course the person took it personal, that’s the problem with playfulness these days and he felt the villain role being suggested to him and a lack of understanding for why he also was a bit angry. It was the situation, the lack of human exchange. To the person it was a lack of respect.

So he then took his food and said bye. He was already above the things. A friendly bye. But he didn’t expect it to be returned or understood. In fact she didn’t reply and seemed to return the ignoring favour from the beginning by not returning the eye contact.

He felt a sense of absurdity reaching its peak, a bit of sadness and a feeling of letting go and being happy to having stayed true to his reality. He also knew to not be bothered again to help out with something that is pointless and only draws him in into somebody else’s movie which isn’t good for both sides.

At the same time it reminded him of football when a player would pass despite his team colleague clearly appearing to never reach it. He should been there. It’s what the situation demands. He broke the flow. No blame but this pass he felt is still important to be played anyway. And you may appear like a fool, but that’s how fools perceive.

 

3 am

There is hope in 3 am

As if the day could start free again

Lovers and friends helped to stay out of this mess

Now they’re rather pulling you in I guess

But it’s not about youth

Used to think it is all my fault

Only fault is to think it’s my fault

Coping brings up illusion so sweet

Coping again just puts me to sleep

Where I dream it’s my fault

Blames I wonder to where they belong

Nothing to find if zoomed out far enough

Empathy n anger are sharing a room

Blaming or breathing new life

At times I still feel this is all just a joke

I’m feeling alive but as soon as I don’t

The joke turns on me

“Just be yourself”

I was wondering why is it so confusing and irritating when somebody says that.

First of all the question is what else are we if not ourselves. And I can only talk from my perspective, coming from a dysfunctional family from the so called scapegoat role I found myself throughout my life like 50 % myself with other biases and 50 % that role. It is like a constant struggle for me and some situations it is easy to be myself. Then I look back at situations where I stuggled and it’s all clear and I wished I could relived it and done it differently.

The main problem to me seems prejudice and lack of understanding but this way it also gets framed as a helpless situation depending on others. Anyway whoever gives you credit  for just acting a certain way and then 10 seconds later after the two of you said bye being yourself realizing you just acted out something else or enabled. But the situation is more complicated since this enabling. It makes people not connect, the same people that could have a decent conversation when they met  lets say on the beach drinking a beer on a summer evening or especially on holiday.

But lets get to some potential solutions for this.

Well before that I want to clarify – or at least thats how I think it is – that when one is not oneself it doesn’t mean it would be like somebody else. It is still oneself and the tricky thing about this are emotions and identification. The moment you try to handle emotions and behave reactively which is healthy cause you express yourself, you also identify yourself with this role. The main thing that I didn’t and still not fully got , is that disidentification doesn’t mean to disidentify from your feelings and yourself then eventually.

So lets say there is a situation and afterwards you feel angry or maybe revengeful which is the follow up of being sad (well sometimes anger gets accessable after crying sometimes the other way around and it’s important to allow this function of your body to detoxify from otherwise depressing energy) Usually I would use this anger from this role, identifying myself with it I mean I already did that prior to that cause I wouldn’t feel like it otherwise. An example would be somebody critisizing something about my life that though is not my fault but a result of certain conditioning or past decisions based on that role. At the same time that sounds as if I don’t have any responsibility for my life and that’s the next point. I realized I do have but when I made certain decisions or no decisions I didn’t know I have that which is the actual conditioning. If one behaves angry towards this person one also accepts this as part of ones life which is natural though and needed and things in life never go this and then that, it’s usually something complicated for the mind that is better left to be done intuitively  .

Now it’s still helpful to express anger but there a solution for that,  if one tries to force it it won’t work but if it comes up naturally it does work pretty well or has the potential.

It is about using your anger and maybe even feelings of revenge and other things but then use it for being yourself. It is really counter-intuitive. It could mean to be actually friendly to a person you don’t like for the reason that this person adresses you as this role and ignores who you are or the two of you are constantly enabling back and forth or it may be a consciously or intuitively abusive person pushing your buttons.

The two reasons why this usually does not work is because the intention may be to be friendly, to get harmony or to get verified as if you wait for this person to finally see you for who you are which is a classic dynamic with parents.

How could one be friendly when you have anger? And the answer is it is not about friendlyness. Friendlyness is just a side-effect of being yourself but it then could become friendlyness cause you don’t view the other person as an enemy anymore. Lets say you are in a  great mood and then you meet such a person and it can happen that one hides his good mood also cause it already slightly changed maybe. Often times I didn’t know how  to express my anger, if I did it usually made things worse. I felt better but then the dynamic got fed again aswell. That being said there is also a way to speak up and not feed into it, yet this has so many doors that lead back into it.

Other reasons why it may not work is because we may want to bite back so to speak with our good mood but by doing so also feeding into the dynamic.

I remember one day a few years back where this worked, just that I didn’t know what I was doing and I lost touch to it. I remember my brother being very irritated cause he had no food so to speak. I was very chatty and just felt very free and liberated and little self-conscious but mindful, just being intuitively connected to myself and acting out who I am naturally. I usually am not that chatty in family for obvious reaons. And if one tries hard to be like this you add pressure and you actually come from a lower position. But once the anger and rebellious feelings are used to be oneself where one doesn’t try to get verified something happens and that is you get back in touch with who you are.

Another way this may not work is if the intuition or awareness of who is you is not yet strong enough or if one gets upset if it doesn’t work, then you may also use the anger on yourself but you always have the option to use it for being yourself and the reactions can be quite amusing in a liberating way cause some people get completely confused and we tend to be living up to what we started so to speak.

This way one could even get lost in a situation and then the next moment being yourself without feeling weird about the contrast cause you use rebellious positive or liberating energy -i don’t know how to call it – which is high vibe. It’s easy to get into the low vibe and we tend to stick in it. Or one may think it would look fake yet this perception doesn’t arise with this energy behind it. So it may likely happen that one gets really angry inside which helps to counter fear but on the outside having really good mood or being assertive and at this point the anger already transformed into something else yet still being the foundation. That being said the day I mentioned where this just worked I woke up and felt not angry at all and just kept up the state after waking up. Yet now I remember that prior to that there was anger that I didn’t feel before.

In this “state” it becomes easy to keep up boundaries, or you’ll look forward to do things you enjoyed but maybe lost touch to. Fears also lower, and “you” feel more protected. But I think this state means to just be yourself and it is not about protecting your inner child or such, it actually means you realize you are your “inner child” which happens to be not that “childish” or small as this metapher suggests. Childish yes, in a selfexpressive way as it comes with and definitely more mature than most of what is considered adult. That being said all these states and conecpts are still confusing to me and I guess it doesn’t matter. Atst I think it is important to protect vulnerable parts.