Being kind to yourself

I feel often we are not kind to ourselves when we know we can do better. But often we also didn’t do better cause our spirit was down and then on top of it sometimes we are not kind to ourselves in such moments or are critical with ourselves which brings us even more down.

This is a double.effect. When our spirit is up we tend to make less mistakes. So be kind to yourself, knowing you could do better but you likely were just down-hearted ūüôā

We are expressive beings and surely we could also or do express in such moments, that we are sad or down. It’s just that frustration and such things are better not turned against ourselves through the use of learnt patterns we learnt from others. Surely it expresses but with a different perception emotions could not arise in the first place, resolve or express but not on ourselves but as ourselves.

Then i was thinking that being kind to oneself is more about an inner picture or a perception. A feeling. It’s surely different to when somebody is kind to us.

 

Song in vain

You said you want

to cross the line

but then you thought

this isn’t right

But now you feel like searching on

it’s just a hint within your gut

This could turn out to be wise

For now it feels more like a lie

 

I know it’s you

But I know you don’t re—alize — it’s me

The truth in disguise of my fake destiny

Words just fall between our song and build

a wall that needs to stay no longer than it takes

it takes for this lesson

 

Can’t you feel my soul

I feel we’re drifting away

Can’t you see it’s pure

behind the blur in the way

The more i try to show

The more our love’s resisting to stay

My hands are tied cause you’re half the world away

my hands are tied cause you’re half the world away

even though this is meant rather figuratively

 

Playfulness 2

This is from the same video. Everything is playful between the 2 guys, yet it can be used vs fear mongering.

So one guy mentions something like: “Oh that is gonna be tough.”

The other guy acts afraid but not mocking the other person: “Whoo”

This is also a way to deal with such things when you frame the fear mongering as playful. Kinda acting naive cause it makes the other person act hard to not give themselves away but more importantly you set the vibe.

Then he says this random hilarious thing with a sligjtly overly serious intonation while the other guy is talking about why it is tough: “It’s not easy.”

You know it’s got that vibe of provoking a laugh in overly serious situations where you feel as if it is “not allowed” to laugh, yet he cannot be blamed to be disrespectful. So it’s this combination of serious intonation as if he is about to add something important and then making this random remark. Surely the same comment without the playfulness is not funny.

Later in the video one guy says: “Could you stand over on that piston.” and again it’s all playful. He acts a serious person who gives instructions or actually he is just serious/adult but he can’t keep it up for long cause the other one is making him laugh.

And the other one replies in a random moment: “This one here.” with an intonation as if it was tough to find and he is not sure, yet there is only one piston xD.

What adds to the fun is that you never know what he is going to reply cause he is also straight forward. It’s like he uses it sparingly intuitively when you don’t expect it.

Surely if you would do such things consciously it likely takes away from the fun but as with everything it can be forgotten once re/learnt or inspired. It definitely needs authenticity and an inner impulse otherwise it’s empty. It could also be inspiring for a dialogue in a book or such things.

Now there is another thing he does. He then takes the adult serious role and acts it which is what makes it funny in contrast with his previous remarks:

“That was a bit of a mind..like a mess.” ¬†“A mindfuck. Is that what you are avoiding saying!?”

It can easily come across as critical but it’s not condescending but adult, yet he is playful but he doesn’t show. At the same time he also kinda means it yet never critical as in fault-finding.

So playfulness really can spice up these Got ya games people tend to play and they are so serious about it. It just beats that vibe.

In general what being playful does is it shows whenever being serious is overused for no reason without being disrespectful, blaming or critical which would also only add to nonplayful vibe. It is in itself actually more adult/mature. Self-expression for example is always more mature but may seem “childish” which it is yet it isn’t immature.

Just when it is done as in attention-whoring or always going for it in certain spots this will then make it rather lame or annoying also because of the self-consciousness. It is only fun when it’s a natural innocent expression. Yet even from there there is room for surprise when you would keep it up or such. And it may be a good start when the atmosphere is very serious and tense and go from there.

Another thing that ruins playfulness is if you feel you are supposed to laugh. And it may even be funny in itself but this could then ruin it and feels irritating. It’s kinda the same as I just wrote above. Or when there is trying hard to have a good time again it is better to let go and be “normal” and let it arise naturally, otherwise it causes being blocked. So it’s like trying hard creates tension and stress and when you stop that this will then be released cause tension also leads to overly serious acting which has the potential to be funny. Or when trying hard creates tension, ¬†just picking something that may be less funny in itself can do the trick to ease up. And then there is relief and the laughter itself makes it funny.

Overcoming the Scapegoat Role

You probably know the feeling of being irritated about what is me and what is this role. What are my real insecurities and what is just something that isn’t really real.

From experience I can say that the biggest reason for suffering is actually to confuse yourself with such role because it brings you away from yourself. And this is also where fears come in, fear of confusing yourself. Often we do not even realize this fear.

How can it be that at times we are confident and feel like we can handle things and other times we lose belief in ourselves?

It must also be about perception.

So in this post I want to give a bit Inspiration towards staying more with oneself. I’m not saying this is always working but it can help creating a better feeling for yourself from which you have a¬†more realitical¬†perception.

The idea is to act the role or to come from a mindset of such.

But first a not literal quote about acting: ” A bad actor trying to act a drunk tries to talk and walk drunk. A good actor knows a drunk tries to talk and walk straight.”

What that means for this role which really has plenty of negative perceptions one may not be aware of Рis to be a bad actor for this role. We are really good at acting it. We enable, we defend cause we react to emotions. So the idea is to feel differently about it through perception. And a good disidentification exercise is to be a bad actor with this role.

Which simply means instead of trying to move on or feel more confident or self- aware (walking straight) one would actually try the opposite ūüôā And by doing so you create an effect of connecting more to yourself.

It reminds me of school when I was to present something AFTER somebody,¬† I was the 2nd guy,¬†the person being¬†very nervous. And i wondered why did that make me confident? Did I feed off the person I wondered but now I know. I realized how absurd it was to be nervous cause of the perception from the pov of the audience and the realistiical perception of the audience. I realized her reasons for being nervous and I saw nothing real about it. That’s why it was easy for me afterwards. It brought me closer to myself. She did the disidentification for me and I was pretty much observing myself when confusing myself with somebody.

But this also means we still are ourselves when we act this out. It’s not really confusing yourself with someone. It’s just the perceptions.

But it can lead to further disidentification from yourself if you try to act it poorly while feeling it cause something may have triggered you. Yet just the thought of it can help to make a switch in your perception and it can lead to being amused or assertive. A tricky thing could be to not feel as if you would parodize yourself. The focus is on liberation from a perception.

You could also observe somebody how he¬†looks at you the old way and let go of the need to proof yourself or to show who you are cause that’s like trying to walk straight. It creates boundaries so buttons don’t get pushed.

Or it can be applied for other situations. If you try to find a job and there are no other reasons and you actually would just like to have one but for some reason it doesn’t work, it may be because you try to walk straight and that’s what our environment also suggests. Especially family treats one as if we would be dumb or such and they act as if it’s a wonder if we would improve in something they see us struggeling with, all the while not realizing (or actually being aware) that this frames the role. But surely there are other reasons. The functioning of the family is based on a distorted perception of the scapegoat so it is biased and pointless to try to reach family. Yet if one steps aside it may lead to a better functionng afterwards or at least to the person in the scapegoat role getting on with their life.

“Just be yourself”

I was wondering why is it so confusing and irritating when somebody says that.

First of all the question is what else are we if not ourselves. And I can only talk from my perspective, coming from a dysfunctional family from the so called scapegoat role I found myself throughout my life like 50 % myself with other biases and 50 % that role. It is like a constant struggle for me and some situations it is easy to be myself. Then I look back at situations where I stuggled and it’s all clear and I wished I could relived it and done it differently.

The main problem to me seems prejudice and lack of understanding but this way it also gets framed as a helpless situation depending on others. Anyway whoever gives you credit  for just acting a certain way and then 10 seconds later after the two of you said bye being yourself realizing you just acted out something else or enabled. But the situation is more complicated since this enabling. It makes people not connect, the same people that could have a decent conversation when they met  lets say on the beach drinking a beer on a summer evening or especially on holiday.

But lets get to some potential solutions for this.

Well before that I want to clarify – or at least thats how I think it is – that when one is not oneself it doesn’t mean it would be like somebody else. It is still oneself and the tricky thing about this are emotions and identification. The moment you try to handle emotions and behave reactively which is healthy cause you express yourself, you also identify yourself with this role. The main thing that I didn’t and still not fully got , is that disidentification doesn’t mean to disidentify from your feelings and yourself then eventually.

So lets say there is a situation and afterwards you feel angry or maybe revengeful which is the follow up of being sad (well sometimes anger gets accessable after crying sometimes the other way around and it’s important to allow this function of your body to detoxify from otherwise depressing energy) Usually I would use this anger from this role, identifying myself with it I mean I already did that prior to that cause I wouldn’t feel like it otherwise. An example would be somebody critisizing something about my life that though is not my fault but a result of certain conditioning or past decisions based on that role. At the same time that sounds as if I don’t have any responsibility for my life and that’s the next point. I realized I do have but when I made certain decisions or no decisions I didn’t know I have that which is the actual conditioning. If one behaves angry towards this person one also accepts this as part of ones life which is natural though and needed and things in life never go this and then that, it’s usually something complicated for the mind that is better left to be done intuitively ¬†.

Now it’s still helpful to express anger but there a solution for that, ¬†if one tries to force it it won’t work but if it comes up naturally it does work pretty well or has the potential.

It is about using your anger and maybe even feelings of revenge and other things but then use it for being yourself. It is really counter-intuitive. It could mean to be actually friendly to a person you don’t like for the reason that this person adresses you as this role and ignores who you are or the two of you are constantly enabling back and forth or it may be a consciously or intuitively abusive person pushing your buttons.

The two reasons why this usually does not work is because the intention may be to be friendly, to get harmony or to get verified as if you wait for this person to finally see you for who you are which is a classic dynamic with parents.

How could one be friendly when you have anger? And the answer is it is not about friendlyness. Friendlyness is just a side-effect of being yourself but it then could become friendlyness cause you don’t view the other person as an enemy anymore. Lets say you are in a ¬†great mood and then you meet such a person and it can happen that one hides his good mood also cause it already slightly changed maybe. Often times I didn’t know how ¬†to express my anger, if I did it usually made things worse. I felt better but then the dynamic got fed again aswell. That being said there is also a way to speak up and not feed into it, yet this has so many doors that lead back into it.

Other reasons why it may not work is because we may want to bite back so to speak with our good mood but by doing so also feeding into the dynamic.

I remember one day a few years back where this worked, just that I didn’t know what I was doing and I lost touch to it. I remember my brother being very irritated cause he had no food so to speak. I was very chatty and just felt very free and liberated and little self-conscious but mindful, just being intuitively connected to myself and acting out who I am naturally. I usually am not that chatty in family for obvious reaons. And if one tries hard to be like this you add pressure and you actually come from a lower position. But once the anger and rebellious feelings are used to be oneself where one doesn’t try to get verified something happens and that is you get back in touch with who you are.

Another way this may not work is if the intuition or awareness of who is you is not yet strong enough or if one gets upset if it doesn’t work, then you may also use the anger on yourself but you always have the option to use it for being yourself and the reactions can be quite amusing in a liberating way cause some people get completely confused and we tend to be living up to what we started so to speak.

This way one could even get lost in a situation and then the next moment being yourself without feeling weird about the contrast cause you use rebellious positive or liberating energy -i don’t know how to call it – which is high vibe. It’s easy to get into the low vibe and we tend to stick in it. Or one may think it would look fake yet this perception doesn’t arise with this energy behind it. So it may likely happen that one gets really angry inside which helps to counter fear but on the outside having really good mood or being assertive and at this point the anger already transformed into something else yet still being the foundation. That being said the day I mentioned where this just worked I woke up and felt not angry at all and just kept up the state after waking up. Yet now I remember that prior to that there was anger that I didn’t feel before.

In this “state” it becomes easy to keep up boundaries, or you’ll look forward to do things you enjoyed but maybe lost touch to. Fears also lower, and “you” feel more protected. But I think this state means to just be yourself and it is not about protecting your inner child or such, it actually means you realize you are your “inner child” which happens to be not that “childish” or small as this metapher suggests. Childish yes, in a selfexpressive way as it comes with and definitely more mature than most of what is considered adult. That being said all these states and conecpts are still confusing to me and I guess it doesn’t matter. Atst I think it is important to protect vulnerable parts.

Being selfish/Human Body

I think being selfish is the cells of the human body protecting themselves from further damage not in an egoistical way as we perceive it but with an overall healing in mind. Only when the ability to protect increases it will lead to a different “attitude”.

Part of this protection is causing further damage but there is also being selfish without doing that and it may happen as a side-effect . I’m not sure but I sense it has a tragical touch. If you spin this further you see that healing cells need to learn to protect better by proper perception and patience. They also often get misidentified as hostile which is also tragical causing traumatization on the collective unconscious level.

The ego could be  a protect mechanism on a deeper level.

edit: The question is whether it is healing of a sick body in a dramatical way or if it is just a natural changing process that goes its way anyway or maybe both and without the drama.