Listening to somebody

I was listening to 2 youtube videos at once and realized there is no need for close attention. I listen anyway unless my attention is elsewhere or I’m expressing desinterest.

Listening happens by remembering sound, key words, information something that interests you, just like reading music. And I don’t mean social interaction where it is not only about making a point.

Like somebody says a whole sentence and then naturally you pick up the whole thing but not word by word. Just as much as you need to get it. Yet there is no extra effort to get the point. You let it echo so to speak.

That means you dont have to listen, but you just hear, there is no need for close attention.

It is always about getting the point, that should be in any interest of a speaker
and a speaker should be happy when point is gotten and not care about exact words or demand attention.

Each speaker only “makes listen” to convey his point. That is the balance for listening to somebody. By balance i mean he shouldn’t be able to demand attention cause he would never admit it would not be about making a point.

Once one seems desinterested, it’s only cause he makes no point or already made it or it is already obvious. So, interrupting is not impolite, how absurd it wud be. Only if one acts/feels like one was impolite (nonrealistic perception), it gives new material to demand attention.

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Realities

It was around 9 pm when he entered the fast food restaurant. He knew it wasn’t healthy but he didn’t feel like cooking. He just put on an old cap. He was dressing down but then it was fine with him.

“Hm maybe 6 cheeseburgers. I’m really hungry. Or maybe 4 and a bigger burger. But which one.” He didn’t really think it, it was more a feeling.

“Well, I’ll see inside.  Havn’t been here in a while.” When he opened the door he felt a sense of pressure. He knew why. And so it would come. But then he didn’t bother. He just didn’t know yet. And a sense of understanding himself cleared the uncomfortable feeling.

So he walked to the counter. The place was empty overall , nobody waiting before him. He could make out a person in the far right corner but since he didn’t know what to eat exactly he intentionally did not make contact.

He looked up to the menues. Couldn’t find what he was looking for. He was about to remember that the prices for the single burgers were written to the side but before he realized it fully the young woman working there asked: “Hello, what would you like to order?”

Her energy was pressuring and distanced. He knew it was coming, that was the feeling when he opened the door. He tought to himself that it’s just a meaningless situation but then the theme involved he realized is not so meaningless.

Surely he could look at her and tell her that he doesn’t know yet. But it felt so absurd. “Isn’t my bodylanguage..didn’t I already tell you I don’t know yet. DO NOT APPROACH ME.” he thought. He felt angry even calmly gestured with his hand to leave him alone,yet she had to act out the waiting annoyed character. Surely he didn’t reply with words. “People are so focussed on words”, he thought, “when you reply with body language they feel offended as if you act a higher status.”

He realized to not be in her movie. What is her movie even? “Am i keeping her waiting?” While he considered it he realized he somewhat lost touch to his reality and he also realized how he acted out her reality. All of a sudden there was a mix of feeling to be handed a villain role.

After all he just ignored her. But then he knew she ignored him first and he knew he didn’t ignore her. She ruined it what could been a decent meaningful human interaction. Yet he understood her. She clearly felt ignored or played the good old got ya game to release and dump stress.

Before he turned to her and smiled, saying: “I don’t know yet.” he felt her eyes on him, pressuring him. This in return made him take longer than he wanted now appearing as if he was holding her up or playing with her.

That’s why he smiled friendly and cleared it up  yet now appearing apologizing. But what for ? Already in her movie. It wasn’t a please like me smile, it wasn’t weak. Understanding is not weak nor is it funny. He stood to his reality.

At the same time he was angry but also amused at the absurd situation.

He asked her: “How much is this burger from this menue by itself?” She hesitated. He knew why and added: “Oh nevermind I see it is written over there.” She replied: “It is written over there.” acting competent and confident while clearly appearing the opposite.

What an absurd thing to say. He hated this low vibe, this, well stupidity. Emotionally stupid, yet he knew it wasn’r right yet real. He understood too well, it can be a problem he thought amused to himself. The reaons why he asked her was because she interrupted him, so he was like: “If you don’t let me look then please go ahead and answer it for me.”

So he again made up for her incompetence by playing it low, realizing it was written over there and the only thing this person could do is to freaking REPEAT what he just said and act as if she said it.

It seemed, to her it was all about avoiding fears, being focussed on her, completely ignoring other people.

He understood her, he remembered the relationship concept from his music therapy apprenticeship. Level 6 and 5, playful interaction, real connection. Level 3 using the therapist for own needs. This must been one of these level 3 situations. Yet this isn’t therapy.

He zoned out. It got too absurd. He knew she would now overly seriously mention the amount of money. She in fact said it twice. Once before she was heading for the serviettes and then again after she returned to hand over everything. He just looked at the number on the screen and tuned her out.

Surely he knew there should be rather a higher vibe interaction leaving the low work vibe behind. Surely he knew even though it is considered standard to mention the amount of money, he knew it is absurd. Something to be done in your sleep, a quick look while relating. She was afraid of relating surely he thought. So she had to make a big deal of the situation. 9 Euro 16 please.

“It was the same vibe when people tell you to enter your pin and verify with the green button” he thought. One time he played dumb. It was fun. “Enter here?” “I’m not sure I get you right, you said green?,this green here? :)” Of course the person took it personal, that’s the problem with playfulness these days and he felt the villain role being suggested to him and a lack of understanding for why he also was a bit angry. It was the situation, the lack of human exchange. To the person it was a lack of respect.

So he then took his food and said bye. He was already above the things. A friendly bye. But he didn’t expect it to be returned or understood. In fact she didn’t reply and seemed to return the ignoring favour from the beginning by not returning the eye contact.

He felt a sense of absurdity reaching its peak, a bit of sadness and a feeling of letting go and being happy to having stayed true to his reality. He also knew to not be bothered again to help out with something that is pointless and only draws him in into somebody else’s movie which isn’t good for both sides.

At the same time it reminded him of football when a player would pass despite his team colleague clearly appearing to never reach it. He should been there. It’s what the situation demands. He broke the flow. No blame but this pass he felt is still important to be played anyway. And you may appear like a fool, but that’s how fools perceive.

 

Song in vain

You said you want

to cross the line

but then you thought

this isn’t right

But now you feel like searching on

it’s just a hint within your gut

This could turn out to be wise

For now it feels more like a lie

 

I know it’s you

But I know you don’t re—alize — it’s me

The truth in disguise of my fake destiny

Words just fall between our song and build

a wall that needs to stay no longer than it takes

it takes for this lesson

 

Can’t you feel my soul

I feel we’re drifting away

Can’t you see it’s pure

behind the blur in the way

The more i try to show

The more our love’s resisting to stay

My hands are tied cause you’re half the world away

my hands are tied cause you’re half the world away

even though this is meant rather figuratively

 

Playfulness 2

This is from the same video. Everything is playful between the 2 guys, yet it can be used vs fear mongering.

So one guy mentions something like: “Oh that is gonna be tough.”

The other guy acts afraid but not mocking the other person: “Whoo”

This is also a way to deal with such things when you frame the fear mongering as playful. Kinda acting naive cause it makes the other person act hard to not give themselves away but more importantly you set the vibe.

Then he says this random hilarious thing with a sligjtly overly serious intonation while the other guy is talking about why it is tough: “It’s not easy.”

You know it’s got that vibe of provoking a laugh in overly serious situations where you feel as if it is “not allowed” to laugh, yet he cannot be blamed to be disrespectful. So it’s this combination of serious intonation as if he is about to add something important and then making this random remark. Surely the same comment without the playfulness is not funny.

Later in the video one guy says: “Could you stand over on that piston.” and again it’s all playful. He acts a serious person who gives instructions or actually he is just serious/adult but he can’t keep it up for long cause the other one is making him laugh.

And the other one replies in a random moment: “This one here.” with an intonation as if it was tough to find and he is not sure, yet there is only one piston xD.

What adds to the fun is that you never know what he is going to reply cause he is also straight forward. It’s like he uses it sparingly intuitively when you don’t expect it.

Surely if you would do such things consciously it likely takes away from the fun but as with everything it can be forgotten once re/learnt or inspired. It definitely needs authenticity and an inner impulse otherwise it’s empty. It could also be inspiring for a dialogue in a book or such things.

Now there is another thing he does. He then takes the adult serious role and acts it which is what makes it funny in contrast with his previous remarks:

“That was a bit of a mind..like a mess.”  “A mindfuck. Is that what you are avoiding saying!?”

It can easily come across as critical but it’s not condescending but adult, yet he is playful but he doesn’t show. At the same time he also kinda means it yet never critical as in fault-finding.

So playfulness really can spice up these Got ya games people tend to play and they are so serious about it. It just beats that vibe.

In general what being playful does is it shows whenever being serious is overused for no reason without being disrespectful, blaming or critical which would also only add to nonplayful vibe. It is in itself actually more adult/mature. Self-expression for example is always more mature but may seem “childish” which it is yet it isn’t immature.

Just when it is done as in attention-whoring or always going for it in certain spots this will then make it rather lame or annoying also because of the self-consciousness. It is only fun when it’s a natural innocent expression. Yet even from there there is room for surprise when you would keep it up or such. And it may be a good start when the atmosphere is very serious and tense and go from there.

Another thing that ruins playfulness is if you feel you are supposed to laugh. And it may even be funny in itself but this could then ruin it and feels irritating. It’s kinda the same as I just wrote above. Or when there is trying hard to have a good time again it is better to let go and be “normal” and let it arise naturally, otherwise it causes being blocked. So it’s like trying hard creates tension and stress and when you stop that this will then be released cause tension also leads to overly serious acting which has the potential to be funny. Or when trying hard creates tension,  just picking something that may be less funny in itself can do the trick to ease up. And then there is relief and the laughter itself makes it funny.

Friendship

I was wondering what actually makes a good friendship and I think it is about connecting simply.

Just often both don’t know who they are. So the more both know who they are the more they know who the other one is and it almost goes automatic and respect is already included. It’s rare which is kinda weird actually. I just love uncomplicated interactions, knowing if I may get lost in a game maybe, the other one knows me and doesn’t play along.

But it isn’t that easy. There tends to be these things that get in the way which I hate. it can bring both away from themselves causing what could have been a good friendship to break before it started or actually turning it into something both sides suffer from. And then they don’t see the higher body but only the other person and blame and such happens or devalueing. Yet I don’t know if it’s so natural to step aside, after all emotions gotto be dealt with, I mean maybe they cud resolve then but then maybe it’s better to leave it for now and ideally connect back to oneself. I feel it’s gotto be natural like a wave you ride without much self-consciousness.

And overcoming these leads to a deeper friendship. As I wrote perceiving somebody acting away from themselves and not mirroring this back or getting enabled but instead reminding them of who they are. And I don’t like when such happens on the meta level, it’s like stepping aside from life, feels unnatural but it’s different from stepping aside from roles.. And other times these petpeeves are needed. So we naturally accept it knowing the person needs this in their overall way to be and it gets playfully dealt with.

But not everybody who plays a game wants to step away from it and rather depends on it and then doesn’t get the intimate connection he or she may actually want. But it’s maybe not about not wanting something one wants but fear of something which already turned into believing real connections would be weak or such.

The interesting thing is that love is actually very close to friendship, it’s actually rather obvious.

Rhythm and speaking

When you are talking to somebody it is like music. When we are relaxed our conversations tend to be more in rhythm.

Let me show you what I mean by taking a situation of “saying no”.

“Have you repaired the lamp?” (intonation critical, already sensing it isn’t repaired and going for a “got ya game”, see Eric Berne “Games people play”, provoking a justification, or just being angry about it not being repaired yet whatever the details)

To not justify you can use rhythm. Let’s say you reply: “No, I still got to do this.”

The words in itself could take any form through the intonation from annoyed, justifying, excusing, assertively and so on. But it’s not only about the intonation but also the rhythm.

It’s like the question was a snaredrum before the song ends and the “No” would be the last part of the song as you often see in live music when the whole band ends on the same beat. This would be a way to use rhythm to make a no more powerful or to work with the energy. As for this situation I don’t mean saying it over the top but definitely connected and something like subtly more emphasized, you know haha but yeah that is my picture and my idea is not about faking but about self-expression although it could also be done playfully I guess.

Then you could leave a pause and add “unaffectedly” -since you ended it with the No – “I still got to do it.”

Dealing with people who talk at you

Here’s a mindset for this situation.

We all know people who are not really interested in an even conversation. In fact it is not a conversation. What usually happens is that the point of the story gets concealed and there are plenty of details that serve to confuse. It’s a confusing tactic be it conscious or not.

So you would need to focus on certain things:

1. Don’t get confused

The idea is to get what they want to say and then focus on that and not focus on all the meaningless details. You can picture their point hovering above their head and focus on that, you already got it, now you’re just waiting. This way you communicate without words that you are waiting for them to get to the point and you are polite though. It’s not needed to take it personal cause it would feed the dynamic. Sometimes we act dumb cause we don’t want to be impolite. So again when you focus on their point the words won’t confuse you. Other times the point is hard or impossible to get but then you could ask. If they act as if you were rude ..but this gets clear in the next point.

As for the point hovering over their head -“thing”, it’s still applicable just put a “?” in that space 😉 and dismiss the details, you could picture they move around you out of the window or such. It’s all about focus of attention/energy which you especially don’t want to put on yourself at least in a critical way or something among those lines if you know what i mean.

2. Turn it around

You could call it reverse gaslighting but it’s not really an aggressive act. They pretend to not intentionally come to the point. Well you can pretend that they struggle getting to the point and you help them out so they don’t have to talk so much. That’s what naturally would happen if it’s an even conversation between good friends and the other side would be thankful you let them know that you got it. People who talk at you though cannot relate mostly out of fear actually which helps to not take it personal although the theme of control is there too, but you can also not take this personal.

So let’s say you interrupt and let the person know you got their point – and it’s important to not do this aggressively, because you would only feed into the dynamic – they may get annoyed about it and villify you and if you took it personal in advance they will so to speak have a reason in their book be it un- or consciously. This may then cause guilt or something like that or it may escalate the situation even which may be something you do not want to bother with. Sure, if you want to pick a fight then why not but maybe you don’t want that.

But if you “act” as if you helped them out they may still act as if you were rude but you can then keep it up and find ways to communicate your reality such as: “Didn’t you want me to get your point?”