Dealing with people who talk at you

Here’s a mindset for this situation.

We all know people who are not really interested in an even conversation. In fact it is not a conversation. What usually happens is that the point of the story gets concealed and there are plenty of details that serve to confuse. It’s a confusing tactic be it conscious or not.

So you would need to focus on certain things:

1. Don’t get confused

The idea is to get what they want to say and then focus on that and not focus on all the meaningless details. You can picture their point hovering above their head and focus on that, you already got it, now you’re just waiting. This way you communicate without words that you are waiting for them to get to the point and you are polite though. It’s not needed to take it personal cause it would feed the dynamic. Sometimes we act dumb cause we don’t want to be impolite. So again when you focus on their point the words won’t confuse you. Other times the point is hard or impossible to get but then you could ask. If they act as if you were rude ..but this gets clear in the next point.

As for the point hovering over their head -“thing”, it’s still applicable just put a “?” in that space 😉 and dismiss the details, you could picture they move around you out of the window or such. It’s all about focus of attention/energy which you especially don’t want to put on yourself at least in a critical way or something among those lines if you know what i mean.

2. Turn it around

You could call it reverse gaslighting but it’s not really an aggressive act. They pretend to not intentionally come to the point. Well you can pretend that they struggle getting to the point and you help them out so they don’t have to talk so much. That’s what naturally would happen if it’s an even conversation between good friends and the other side would be thankful you let them know that you got it. People who talk at you though cannot relate mostly out of fear actually which helps to not take it personal although the theme of control is there too, but you can also not take this personal.

So let’s say you interrupt and let the person know you got their point – and it’s important to not do this aggressively, because you would only feed into the dynamic – they may get annoyed about it and villify you and if you took it personal in advance they will so to speak have a reason in their book be it un- or consciously. This may then cause guilt or something like that or it may escalate the situation even which may be something you do not want to bother with. Sure, if you want to pick a fight then why not but maybe you don’t want that.

But if you “act” as if you helped them out they may still act as if you were rude but you can then keep it up and find ways to communicate your reality such as: “Didn’t you want me to get your point?”

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Beginning to move towards what we want

The beginning is usually the hardest for several reasons. One being that we often do not get immediate results, no quick fix. In order to actually start is helps to become conscious of this feeling and identify the reasons instead of unconsciously procrastinate. In this case it would help to think in long terms, as a journey for example, which is commonly known but for some of us we havn’t learnt to succeed long term. A mindset that may be helpful is: Ok, if i want to *insert what you want* there is no way that I get around making the first step. I know I would at some point make this first step, even if it doesn’t change much in terms of results. So I may aswell do it now, since if I want *this* I know I gotto make exactly this step. It’s like a journey. In order to get to your destination you inevitably need to pass the station that is right after your starting point. Well and if you know you started, if you know the train is moving, this does cause a feeling of calmness. The train moves and we know we will get there, all we gotto focus on is to keep moving and at some point we could be like: Oh, I’m almost there, that was fast.

To take this metapher a little further, we all know sitting in the train and we know oh, it’s such a long drive still and we know we want to get there, the problem is just we want it immediately. Well and then we may get annoyed about it but what happens is, the train keeps moving no matter what and at some point our mood changes to being eased up and looking forward and we realize how enjoyable the journey actually was to the point where we do appreciate it and also realize the actual goal is relative. The moment you reached the first station you reached part of your goal alreadyFor future journeys this means that you will ease up a lot earlier so maybe it’s a good idea to also make learning how to reach a goal another goal, like a combo goal,  because then you actually have even more something along the lines of immediate results after the first step.

That being said, I actually don’t like to have goals and then trying to consciously get to that. I orefer to have a feeling of going in the right direction. Also because it adds too much trying hard energy which is conflicting with many things that benefit to getting “there”. Just with some things the rational goal approach works best. For example cleaning ones place, that’s a direct goal whereas finding love is something if you force it, I mean actually one can’t really say this or that, it’s a mix. I guess what I’m trying to say is having a clear goal doesn’t have to come with constraintful energy. And this “have to goal attitude” also usually involves a selfperception of not good enough until goal reached which is counter-productive cause you don’t acknowledge the reasons for the current situation. Another thing is if I plan things too much I feel like I’m spoiling things, and it seems less alive then. I like to keep the goal vague, kinda defined, yet rather feeling it and allowing the way towards it to not be something of less quality than if it is reached. Well and then of course it’s never that linear.

Feeling wise I just recently realized what determination actually is and how it differs from discipline yet discipline in itself isn’t just low vibe. To me it is important to express myself and discipline may be also one way to do that for very individual reasons. Usually discipline though can be rather impressing.