It was around 9 pm when he entered the fast food restaurant. He knew it wasn’t healthy but he didn’t feel like cooking. He just put on an old cap. He was dressing down but then it was fine with him.

“Hm maybe 6 cheeseburgers. I’m really hungry. Or maybe 4 and a bigger burger. But which one.” He didn’t really think it, it was more a feeling.

“Well, I’ll see inside.  Havn’t been here in a while.” When he opened the door he felt a sense of pressure. He knew why. And so it would come. But then he didn’t bother. He just didn’t know yet. And a sense of understanding himself cleared the uncomfortable feeling.

So he walked to the counter. The place was empty overall , nobody waiting before him. He could make out a person in the far right corner but since he didn’t know what to eat exactly he intentionally did not make contact.

He looked up to the menues. Couldn’t find what he was looking for. He was about to remember that the prices for the single burgers were written to the side but before he realized it fully the young woman working there asked: “Hello, what would you like to order?”

Her energy was pressuring and distanced. He knew it was coming, that was the feeling when he opened the door. He tought to himself that it’s just a meaningless situation but then the theme involved he realized is not so meaningless.

Surely he could look at her and tell her that he doesn’t know yet. But it felt so absurd. “Isn’t my bodylanguage..didn’t I already tell you I don’t know yet. DO NOT APPROACH ME.” he thought. He felt angry even calmly gestured with his hand to leave him alone,yet she had to act out the waiting annoyed character. Surely he didn’t reply with words. “People are so focussed on words”, he thought, “when you reply with body language they feel offended as if you act a higher status.”

He realized to not be in her movie. What is her movie even? “Am i keeping her waiting?” While he considered it he realized he somewhat lost touch to his reality and he also realized how he acted out her reality. All of a sudden there was a mix of feeling to be handed a villain role.

After all he just ignored her. But then he knew she ignored him first and he knew he didn’t ignore her. She ruined it what could been a decent meaningful human interaction. Yet he understood her. She clearly felt ignored or played the good old got ya game to release and dump stress.

Before he turned to her and smiled, saying: “I don’t know yet.” he felt her eyes on him, pressuring him. This in return made him take longer than he wanted now appearing as if he was holding her up or playing with her.

That’s why he smiled friendly and cleared it up  yet now appearing apologizing. But what for ? Already in her movie. It wasn’t a please like me smile, it wasn’t weak. Understanding is not weak nor is it funny. He stood to his reality.

At the same time he was angry but also amused at the absurd situation.

He asked her: “How much is this burger from this menue by itself?” She hesitated. He knew why and added: “Oh nevermind I see it is written over there.” She replied: “It is written over there.” acting competent and confident while clearly appearing the opposite.

What an absurd thing to say. He hated this low vibe, this, well stupidity. Emotionally stupid, yet he knew it wasn’r right yet real. He understood too well, it can be a problem he thought amused to himself. The reaons why he asked her was because she interrupted him, so he was like: “If you don’t let me look then please go ahead and answer it for me.”

So he again made up for her incompetence by playing it low, realizing it was written over there and the only thing this person could do is to freaking REPEAT what he just said and act as if she said it.

It seemed, to her it was all about avoiding fears, being focussed on her, completely ignoring other people.

He understood her, he remembered the relationship concept from his music therapy apprenticeship. Level 6 and 5, playful interaction, real connection. Level 3 using the therapist for own needs. This must been one of these level 3 situations. Yet this isn’t therapy.

He zoned out. It got too absurd. He knew she would now overly seriously mention the amount of money. She in fact said it twice. Once before she was heading for the serviettes and then again after she returned to hand over everything. He just looked at the number on the screen and tuned her out.

Surely he knew there should be rather a higher vibe interaction leaving the low work vibe behind. Surely he knew even though it is considered standard to mention the amount of money, he knew it is absurd. Something to be done in your sleep, a quick look while relating. She was afraid of relating surely he thought. So she had to make a big deal of the situation. 9 Euro 16 please.

“It was the same vibe when people tell you to enter your pin and verify with the green button” he thought. One time he played dumb. It was fun. “Enter here?” “I’m not sure I get you right, you said green?,this green here? :)” Of course the person took it personal, that’s the problem with playfulness these days and he felt the villain role being suggested to him and a lack of understanding for why he also was a bit angry. It was the situation, the lack of human exchange. To the person it was a lack of respect.

So he then took his food and said bye. He was already above the things. A friendly bye. But he didn’t expect it to be returned or understood. In fact she didn’t reply and seemed to return the ignoring favour from the beginning by not returning the eye contact.

He felt a sense of absurdity reaching its peak, a bit of sadness and a feeling of letting go and being happy to having stayed true to his reality. He also knew to not be bothered again to help out with something that is pointless and only draws him in into somebody else’s movie which isn’t good for both sides.

At the same time it reminded him of football when a player would pass despite his team colleague clearly appearing to never reach it. He should been there. It’s what the situation demands. He broke the flow. No blame but this pass he felt is still important to be played anyway. And you may appear like a fool, but that’s how fools perceive.


3 am

There is hope in 3 am

As if the day could start free again

Lovers and friends helped to stay out of this mess

Now they’re rather pulling you in I guess

But it’s not about youth

Used to think it is all my fault

Only fault is to think it’s my fault

Coping brings up illusion so sweet

Coping again just puts me to sleep

Where I dream it’s my fault

Blames I wonder to where they belong

Nothing to find if zoomed out far enough

Empathy n anger are sharing a room

Blaming or breathing new life

At times I still feel this is all just a joke

I’m feeling alive but as soon as I don’t

The joke turns on me

Love and Empathy/Philosophing about the world/Collective Unconscious

Love and empathy are always a side-effect of perception and understanding and cannot be forced. In fact forcing it causes inner conflict when our perception doesn’t create the foundation for it.

It is impossible to teach because knowing what this perceptions includes would not allow other perceptions which are neccessary to get there. It is also very unstable and rather impossible to keep this up given the world cause we constanlty get confronted with other perceptions and also need to take these to fulfill our needs or so we think. Not to forget about the pain we handle around. It is as if we wake up for a moment and then it’s gone, I mean the kinda things we realize on our deathbed.

Love and empathy are not our weak but strong sides. It just looks weak and foolish from a perception that is needed to protect. We are very busy with coping. Only facing the world as it is wihile not getting destroyed by it through understanding where somebody comes from will lead to insight. Then you have no other choice but to feel love or you would die from depression. But it’s not coping. Surpressed anger also needs to be expressed before any understanding can come, without causing more pain, for example through imaginations one allows or music or such.

Love is really the thing with us humans, it’s what makes us fight so much because we’re on the other side of it often feeling totally fine through coping. Only when we see our coping for what it is will we get a better idea about what we really want.

Then there is fear of course which is why we hang on to things. Often we see this very clear in others not knowing it also affects us. Or maybe we do but fears are justified because it is fear of a conflicting worldview not having understanding for our side and through this lack of understanding not turning the medal from anger and revenge caused by pain or unlove to love.

Many sins have been done so to speak, but not with full consciousness. We do not see the forgiving aspect of it and feel too committed to our past which is reinforcing. We also do not see that our intentions may be different on a deeper collective level that we cannot understand cause we couldn’t do it then.

Change implies doing away with coping. We force ourselves to do so. Just take sports. Some teams always win not allowing to release and feel good cause you kinda get bored of it, other teams always lose the big matches also not allowing to feel good and overall matches are not as satisfying to watch anymore. Music got worse, videogames got worse overall. Everything got worse pretty much but it may seem okay if you don’t know how it could be. Surely it seems okay with a certain reality.

It’s about how you look at it and the intentions may be different from how it really is. We may not even know the intentions. We just see it from our pov. We see we may be poor and others are rich or the other way around, simplified speaking. To me it looks like a formation of the human body before a change. We would just have to watch out not to confuse ourselves as enemies only to realize when it’s too late that it was a friend or by not being able to face this not being able to wake up and everything just repeats.

I just sense we cannot even afford another big war, cause our technology is too strong to recvover from it. I also sense we need our technology to evolve on the human level or maybe we devolved to make the technology possible to then evolve even further. And surely the perceptions differ. It is always about protecting through holding on to our reality we created. But on a deeper level it seems we are all sleeping. It’s a thin line between letting go and staying protected and can only happen like a dance with a partner. It would be tragic beyond  imagination if we just split into different teams to get to something and not reverse from our required created differences and perceptions of reality also as seeing us as enemies by not seeing us as a human being anymore. It just seems without awareness of what we really might be doing it won’t work. It’s a theory, you gotto consider things.