“Just be yourself”

I was wondering why is it so confusing and irritating when somebody says that.

First of all the question is what else are we if not ourselves. And I can only talk from my perspective, coming from a dysfunctional family from the so called scapegoat role I found myself throughout my life like 50 % myself with other biases and 50 % that role. It is like a constant struggle for me and some situations it is easy to be myself. Then I look back at situations where I stuggled and it’s all clear and I wished I could relived it and done it differently.

The main problem to me seems prejudice and lack of understanding but this way it also gets framed as a helpless situation depending on others. Anyway whoever gives you credit  for just acting a certain way and then 10 seconds later after the two of you said bye being yourself realizing you just acted out something else or enabled. But the situation is more complicated since this enabling. It makes people not connect, the same people that could have a decent conversation when they met  lets say on the beach drinking a beer on a summer evening or especially on holiday.

But lets get to some potential solutions for this.

Well before that I want to clarify – or at least thats how I think it is – that when one is not oneself it doesn’t mean it would be like somebody else. It is still oneself and the tricky thing about this are emotions and identification. The moment you try to handle emotions and behave reactively which is healthy cause you express yourself, you also identify yourself with this role. The main thing that I didn’t and still not fully got , is that disidentification doesn’t mean to disidentify from your feelings and yourself then eventually.

So lets say there is a situation and afterwards you feel angry or maybe revengeful which is the follow up of being sad (well sometimes anger gets accessable after crying sometimes the other way around and it’s important to allow this function of your body to detoxify from otherwise depressing energy) Usually I would use this anger from this role, identifying myself with it I mean I already did that prior to that cause I wouldn’t feel like it otherwise. An example would be somebody critisizing something about my life that though is not my fault but a result of certain conditioning or past decisions based on that role. At the same time that sounds as if I don’t have any responsibility for my life and that’s the next point. I realized I do have but when I made certain decisions or no decisions I didn’t know I have that which is the actual conditioning. If one behaves angry towards this person one also accepts this as part of ones life which is natural though and needed and things in life never go this and then that, it’s usually something complicated for the mind that is better left to be done intuitively  .

Now it’s still helpful to express anger but there a solution for that,  if one tries to force it it won’t work but if it comes up naturally it does work pretty well or has the potential.

It is about using your anger and maybe even feelings of revenge and other things but then use it for being yourself. It is really counter-intuitive. It could mean to be actually friendly to a person you don’t like for the reason that this person adresses you as this role and ignores who you are or the two of you are constantly enabling back and forth or it may be a consciously or intuitively abusive person pushing your buttons.

The two reasons why this usually does not work is because the intention may be to be friendly, to get harmony or to get verified as if you wait for this person to finally see you for who you are which is a classic dynamic with parents.

How could one be friendly when you have anger? And the answer is it is not about friendlyness. Friendlyness is just a side-effect of being yourself but it then could become friendlyness cause you don’t view the other person as an enemy anymore. Lets say you are in a  great mood and then you meet such a person and it can happen that one hides his good mood also cause it already slightly changed maybe. Often times I didn’t know how  to express my anger, if I did it usually made things worse. I felt better but then the dynamic got fed again aswell. That being said there is also a way to speak up and not feed into it, yet this has so many doors that lead back into it.

Other reasons why it may not work is because we may want to bite back so to speak with our good mood but by doing so also feeding into the dynamic.

I remember one day a few years back where this worked, just that I didn’t know what I was doing and I lost touch to it. I remember my brother being very irritated cause he had no food so to speak. I was very chatty and just felt very free and liberated and little self-conscious but mindful, just being intuitively connected to myself and acting out who I am naturally. I usually am not that chatty in family for obvious reaons. And if one tries hard to be like this you add pressure and you actually come from a lower position. But once the anger and rebellious feelings are used to be oneself where one doesn’t try to get verified something happens and that is you get back in touch with who you are.

Another way this may not work is if the intuition or awareness of who is you is not yet strong enough or if one gets upset if it doesn’t work, then you may also use the anger on yourself but you always have the option to use it for being yourself and the reactions can be quite amusing in a liberating way cause some people get completely confused and we tend to be living up to what we started so to speak.

This way one could even get lost in a situation and then the next moment being yourself without feeling weird about the contrast cause you use rebellious positive or liberating energy -i don’t know how to call it – which is high vibe. It’s easy to get into the low vibe and we tend to stick in it. Or one may think it would look fake yet this perception doesn’t arise with this energy behind it. So it may likely happen that one gets really angry inside which helps to counter fear but on the outside having really good mood or being assertive and at this point the anger already transformed into something else yet still being the foundation. That being said the day I mentioned where this just worked I woke up and felt not angry at all and just kept up the state after waking up. Yet now I remember that prior to that there was anger that I didn’t feel before.

In this “state” it becomes easy to keep up boundaries, or you’ll look forward to do things you enjoyed but maybe lost touch to. Fears also lower, and “you” feel more protected. But I think this state means to just be yourself and it is not about protecting your inner child or such, it actually means you realize you are your “inner child” which happens to be not that “childish” or small as this metapher suggests. Childish yes, in a selfexpressive way as it comes with and definitely more mature than most of what is considered adult. That being said all these states and conecpts are still confusing to me and I guess it doesn’t matter. Atst I think it is important to protect vulnerable parts.

Dealing with people who talk at you

Here’s a mindset for this situation.

We all know people who are not really interested in an even conversation. In fact it is not a conversation. What usually happens is that the point of the story gets concealed and there are plenty of details that serve to confuse. It’s a confusing tactic be it conscious or not.

So you would need to focus on certain things:

1. Don’t get confused

The idea is to get what they want to say and then focus on that and not focus on all the meaningless details. You can picture their point hovering above their head and focus on that, you already got it, now you’re just waiting. This way you communicate without words that you are waiting for them to get to the point and you are polite though. It’s not needed to take it personal cause it would feed the dynamic. Sometimes we act dumb cause we don’t want to be impolite. So again when you focus on their point the words won’t confuse you. Other times the point is hard or impossible to get but then you could ask. If they act as if you were rude ..but this gets clear in the next point.

As for the point hovering over their head -“thing”, it’s still applicable just put a “?” in that space 😉 and dismiss the details, you could picture they move around you out of the window or such. It’s all about focus of attention/energy which you especially don’t want to put on yourself at least in a critical way or something among those lines if you know what i mean.

2. Turn it around

You could call it reverse gaslighting but it’s not really an aggressive act. They pretend to not intentionally come to the point. Well you can pretend that they struggle getting to the point and you help them out so they don’t have to talk so much. That’s what naturally would happen if it’s an even conversation between good friends and the other side would be thankful you let them know that you got it. People who talk at you though cannot relate mostly out of fear actually which helps to not take it personal although the theme of control is there too, but you can also not take this personal.

So let’s say you interrupt and let the person know you got their point – and it’s important to not do this aggressively, because you would only feed into the dynamic – they may get annoyed about it and villify you and if you took it personal in advance they will so to speak have a reason in their book be it un- or consciously. This may then cause guilt or something like that or it may escalate the situation even which may be something you do not want to bother with. Sure, if you want to pick a fight then why not but maybe you don’t want that.

But if you “act” as if you helped them out they may still act as if you were rude but you can then keep it up and find ways to communicate your reality such as: “Didn’t you want me to get your point?”