edit: I’m gonna edit points that i feel intuitively are a confusion with # and things I am sure with * But please read it critically and check how it feels for you. That would also be something to comment and then i mean that is natural way of resolving confusion. Don’t just read things and take them for granted. I might sound convincing but you know, I’m only human. One thing is to have something right the other to express it right. Just here I meant that both applies 😉 So this is really a point why commenting is natural and I think many people mean that when they say on youtube leave a comment. But it expresses not the right way.
And yeah it reads very overthinking and the reason for that is that i get confused when I am zoomed in which happens by trying to put bigger pictures into words that also are not complete. So don’t overthink anything. It’s not good vibe 🙂
I was wondering why is it so confusing and irritating when somebody says that.
First of all the question is what else are we if not ourselves. And I can only talk from my perspective, coming from a dysfunctional family from the so called scapegoat role I found myself throughout my life like 50 % myself with other biases and 50 % that role. It is like a constant struggle for me and some situations it is easy to be myself. Then I look back at situations where I stuggled and it’s all clear and I wished I could relived it and done it differently.
The main problem to me seems prejudice and lack of understanding but this way it also gets framed as a helpless situation depending on others. Anyway whoever gives you credit for just acting a certain way and then 10 seconds later after the two of you said bye being yourself realizing you just acted out something else or enabled. But the situation is more complicated since this enabling. It makes people not connect, the same people that could have a decent conversation when they met lets say on the beach drinking a beer on a summer evening or especially on holiday *. (not sure though if it is actually a problem)
But lets get to some potential solutions for this.
Well before that I want to clarify – or at least thats how I think it is – that when one is not oneself it doesn’t mean it would be like somebody else#. It is still oneself and the tricky thing about this are emotions and identification. The moment you try to handle emotions and behave reactively which is healthy cause you express yourself, you also identify yourself with this role# (being reactive is not expressive). The main thing that I didn’t and still not fully got , is that disidentification doesn’t mean to disidentify from your feelings and yourself then eventually # (everything is side-effect of expression).
So lets say there is a situation and afterwards you feel angry which is the follow up of being sad (well sometimes anger gets accessable after crying sometimes the other way around # (life not black and white) and it’s important to allow this function of your body to detoxify from otherwise depressing energy * (but also it is side-effect) Usually I would use this anger from this role, identifying myself with it, I mean I already did that prior to that cause I wouldn’t feel like it otherwise# (not using anger, just perceiving differently naturally). An example would be somebody critisizing something about my life that though is not my fault but a result of certain conditioning or past decisions based on that role. At the same time that sounds as if I don’t have any responsibility for my life and that’s the next point. I realized I do have but when I made certain decisions or no decisions I didn’t know I have that which is the actual conditioning. If one behaves angry towards this person one also accepts this as part of ones life which is natural though and needed and things in life never go this and then that, it’s usually something complicated for the mind that is better left to be done intuitively # (Last few sentences is all overthinking and it distracts from feeling) .
Now it’s still helpful to express anger but there a solution for that, if one tries to force it it won’t work but if it comes up naturally it does work pretty well or has the potential* (work is not the fitting term)
It is about using your anger but then use it for being yourself (not in the sense to achieve this). It is maybe counter-intuitive. It could mean to be actually friendly to a person you don’t like for the reason that this person adresses you as this role and ignores who you are or the two of you are constantly enabling back and forth or it may be a consciously or intuitively abusive person pushing your buttons.
The two reasons why this usually does not work is because the intention may be to be friendly, to get harmony or to get verified as if you wait for this person to finally see you for who you are which is a classic dynamic with parents.
How could one be friendly when you have anger? And the answer is it is not about friendlyness. Friendlyness is just a side-effect of being yourself but it then could become friendlyness cause you don’t view the other person as an enemy anymore*. Lets say you are in a great mood and then you meet such a person and it can happen that one hides his good mood also cause it already slightly changed maybe. Often times I didn’t know how to express my anger, if I did it usually made things worse. I felt better but then the dynamic got fed again aswell. That being said there is also a way to speak up and not feed into it, yet this has so many doors that lead back into it.
Other reasons why it may not work is because we may want to bite back so to speak with our good mood but by doing so also feeding into the dynamic.
I remember one day a few years back where this worked, just that I didn’t know what I was doing and I lost touch to it. I remember my brother being very irritated cause he had no food so to speak. I was very chatty and just felt very free and liberated and little self-conscious but mindful, just being intuitively connected to myself and acting out who I am naturally. I usually am not that chatty in family for obvious reaons. And if one tries hard to be like this you add pressure and you actually come from a lower position. But once the anger and rebellious feelings are used to be oneself where one doesn’t try to get verified something happens and that is you get back in touch with who you are*.
Another way this may not work is if the intuition or awareness of who is you is not yet strong enough#(we all have this intuition) or if one gets upset if it doesn’t work, then you may also use the anger on yourself but you always have the option to use it for being yourself # (it is something you can’t try, if you have such on mind it expresses instead) and the reactions can be quite amusing in a liberating way cause some people get completely confused and we tend to be living up to what we started so to speak# (We become what we act out, just that if it is of lower vibe healing is faster if it is overcome).
This way one could even get lost in a situation and then the next moment being yourself without feeling weird about the contrast cause you use rebellious positive or liberating energy -i don’t know how to call it – which is high vibe*. It’s easy to get into the low vibe and we tend to stick in it*. Or one may think it would look fake yet this perception doesn’t arise with this energy behind it*. So it may likely happen that one gets really angry inside which helps to counter fear but on the outside having really good mood or being assertive and at this point the anger already transformed into something else yet still being the foundation* (theory doesn’t really matter what transformed into what). That being said the day I mentioned where this just worked I woke up and felt not angry at all and just kept up the state after waking up.* (It is like crossroads. Once a few things go right it is pretty hard to not be yourself. And if one is not it is not about trying to be yourself instead cause that is a side-effect of anger towards low vibe or such) Yet now I remember that prior to that there was anger that I didn’t feel before. I did express things through singing.
In this “state” it becomes easy to keep up boundaries, or you’ll look forward to do things you enjoyed but maybe lost touch to. Fears also lower, and you feel more protected.