Meaning of words (3): hate

In Russian to hate means nenavidit, which means something like “not see”, something you don’t want to see, detest, can’t stand, can’t abide. I also think it relates to not having a connection to oneself, like numbness where there would be anger, or it is because of not having the connection to one’s feelings. So hate can also be good anger or something like an easy feeling of something you just can’t stand but you don’t bother much about it cause you keep it far away anyway. It surely is also connected to what you love. It can be destructive when the connection is not good or the other side takes it too personal maybe, but can be a start to feeling oneself or anger it rather is, I’m not sure. You could literally shout “I hate to not feel myself” or “I’m sick of not feeling myself” maybe with a guitar to give a soundarea to carry it more. Kinda like thunder and lightning. I mean you could start quiet and just let things come up and if you were not feeling yourself, it should get more intense and then there should be relief, like the rain afterwards (crying), when the thunder stops. Kinda just an allowing thing. And there should be more of a sunny day then. I mean this is very basic cause there is many things to feel about but I think it applies a lot and is generally something to feel about.

 

edit: This particular expression might actually not be good in the sense it could land on oneself but I’m not sure.

edit: I think it is better to be sick of something that you’re just sick of without kinda being the same way about it (editedit: being sick of something also has some biases (frames around it), and in itself it also hinders anger actually I feel but it’s like part of something, I mean it’s nothing to overthink anyway). What I’m trying to get it is this mad feeling that can be attached to hating. Its a bit overserious cause there is always humour also but not about feelings of course. I really think this expression actually might not be so good. Very often we hinder ourselves to just feel how we feel and then it doesn’t have the relieving effect. You might actually have more empathy when you not be like Oh I can’t really feel this cause I can understand it, when you’re just really sick of something and it’s just about feeling it. But it’s nothing to do with not having understanding or opposing this.

Another thought that came to my mind is that anger/hate is connected to hurt also for there to be relief cause it feels bitter otherwise. It actually is a thing of love, I don’t really know how it works and truly, love also heals in itself. Something of love to feel and I did it with singing, shouting cause it’s often not possible to do in relationships without the dynamic bringing something back that would hinder relief. Afterwards I sounded clear again and it was surely also healing through singing then.

So there seems to be two kinds of hate but probably depends on how much it is connected to feelings of hurt and love which gives it a higher vibe. We don’t really feel things when we vibe low.

edit: I get now why I felt the expression would land on oneself. Because by writing about it, it became like a recipe. Therefore the things I wrote about feelings are true and good, but there is plenty of overthinking in it that makes it harder to feel plus the lack of a more human way of writing where you could really relate. Frankly speaking this is something like a personal struggle because I did feel really good after expressing feelings with music and somehow I got a bit into trying to get there again which is pretty bad especially cause it implies not wanting to do any of that cause it wouldn’t “work”. It’s actually a pretty common theme these days, this recipe way of going about things. Lots of true things are said but it doesn’t really reach. I’ll rewrite this one when I find the time.

 

 

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Where to take energy from when there is little support

I am not much into physics and this is just a guess but I think there is something to it. Sometimes we are in a situation in life where all we can do is get ourselves out of a mess on our own. Surely there are always options of support.

If we had support in the form of somebody believing in us or generally emotionally supporting us it gets relatively easy to move on. But what for the situations when there is no such support and in fact emotional neglect as in dysfunctional families which increases a depressive state. My guess is that It may appear as if we have to do it on our own but I think we do have another form of energy as our fuel. You could name it reverse support.

And  I think that it is equal to the energy of support. It just needs to be worked with cause otherwise it has a negative effect by causing low belief in oneself and such things. So one would remind oneself of the situations of negative support and then transfer the energy to something like anger.

My overall point is that it can be discouraging to think one would have to do things on your own but the insight that the energy is pretty much the same, even though it takes a different form and different emotions, may help to use this energy properly.

I also think that it is not just anger but also will lead to selflove and selfcare and most importantly to overcome an undermined selfimage. Again I think the main reason for depression in such situations stems from the perception of being lost and having to do things by yourself especially if you compare to other people who may have more support.

So physically the energy of support equals the energy of neglect and where there is energy from outside there is support from outside, just in a different and surely not in straight forward way. I don’t mean to say it was equally easy but there seems to be a way to use that other form of energy as a fuel and overcome the feeling of no support and by that reach a point where you can easier connect to getting support. Accepting the situation seems to be the hardest part but I think there is a lot of light in these circumstances.

Another thing that makes things harder is when the effects of undermining, feeling unloved manifested in our lives in whatever way and by focussing on that it creates a circle. It is a thin line between not ignoring your feelings and protecting yourself from getting sucked up by it.

Being stuck

I was waking up the other day when a bee tried to get out in the open again and her buzzes kept me awake. I stayed in bed hoping it would find the exit but it just flew against the window pane over and over again.

Then I was thinking how this is exactly how one could get stuck in life. When you try over and over the same thing. But the main part is the frustration from in this case not finding the exit and from the overall established situation.

And the only way it seems to change something about that is to let go of the distress and just fly out and never look back. Or especially through letting go you then have enough space in your sight to even see the opportunites.

The trappy thing about such a situation – being stuck in life – are the emotions. It’s not good to ignore them or act as if everything is just fine, yet being angry and frustrated also doesn’t work, or it depends, expressing emotions is never a bad idea, yet it could reconfirm something that keeps one stuck.

The bee seemed frustrated. Only after she stopped trying the old way she must have found the gap. And once she was out she likely didn’t care much.

But imagine she would have stayed in this position for quite a while, she would probably identified itself with it which is rather a metapher.

So as for such situations it seems that letting go of emotions that reconfirm a self-fulfilling selfimage is the key but the way it is done is through insight and not self-critically or such, just knowing that one did it the wrong way and that was why things didn’t got better and then trusting into a change and through this letting go of frustration.

It’s like you walked down the wrong road and it’s pointless to walk back or on and you can only leave that road.

Another thing that comes with it is the way our realtionships established during such times. And one probably feels the need to stay consistent and how would that look if you would just be like someone else almost or actually just the way one is which is easy to lose touch to. Here i think the best thing one could do is to simply be oneself and never bother to explain yourself or wait for confirmation or such or try to figure out what others may think now and by doing this not getting back on the old road.

One’s literally gotto to leave the whole situation with all that came with it – including ways of looking at life -at the future, the past and all the comforting things about it also. And the main tricky thing is to not leave yourself in such situation behind and walk on empty. It’s all in the way one lets go. It “should” be almost playful or refreshed and calm and not trying hard but it is also possible to try hard not to try hard 😉 which is why i don’t like the word should, I just don’t know any better way to phrase it. Yet a fighting attitude may be reasonable aswell.

The moment I wanted to help out the bee by wanting to open the window it was already flewn out but that probably doesn’t mean much, yet i like this as a metapher aswell. Another one would be how peaceful it flies once out  compared to the tilted attitude before. Yet it was the same bee.