Dealing with narcissistic people

They love playing games and pushing buttons. It’s good to know the games but then forget about it. What I found works well is if you take them for real and keep respect unless it gets too absurd. It is tempting to react to the communication under the radar in whatever way. But this is exactly where you gotto block. They hope you pick up on it and dock.

It is similar to being unconditioned to their stuff. As if you were naive. Just that it is too late for that. But it isn’t. You just block it out because you may have enough of it, find it lame. The one thing that may keep you from doing this is because you may feel you look dumb or so cause they really make it obvious and they know that you got it.

A mindset for that would be: I know you play games, I know your games. I’m tired of it. I chose to not let it happen in my reality. Effectively it is reverse gaslighting side-effecrt wise. This way you communicate higher vibe, just not with words cause they lead into games. And you would communicate that you know what they do but you find it lame yet atst that’s also a reaction which is rather subtle though.

On top of it you could even give them your reality, treating them with respect and genuine. Now to them you look like a huge fool, so don’t look at yourself through their eyes. It is about that we do need to express who we are in order to stay connected to ourselves. Since your communication includes at the basis “It’s lame” or “do not want+plus respect ” it loses its foolish touch when you would i.e. genuinely thank them for something. For some things this is better done assertively other things it may work being totally genuine. Who knows, this way they may even remember who they were or actually feel foolish for playing these games. One just doesn’t have to expect anything cause then you would get disappointed. It is all done from a mature attitude and framed like this.

Lets take an example:

You do know what *obvious thing* is do you? (often prior to that you asked them to explain something that didn’t make sense and now they attack to defend)

reaction 1: surprised, falls for the suggestion, playing dumb or justifying

reaction 2: Of course i do (biting back), maybe a mix of fear and anger, leads into their game

reaction 3: feeling attacked, hit but acting as if not…they realize that and take that as a hit/food

reaction 4: genuine unbiased anger or speaking up, deals with emotions, liberates, not always best choice but also underused

reaction 5: looking at them genuinely surprised because you set your mind to taking them for real and reply Of course with an understood intonation. But it doesn’t have anything of Are you stupid ? in a biting back way in it. It just makes them feel like it as a side-effect. They may think that you are actually playing them when you are not doing that.

You can see them being upset when something they tried failed, which is proof they tried it in case you were not sure.

or whatever else reaction, like maybe something more assertive: Look!, … .

Now it my sound easy but it takes practice and especially through imagination, situations from your past or anticipated ones. And I don’t recommend trying the genuine thing in the beginning. It just matters to block that under the radar communication. It includes things as not laughing when laughing would mean to get something underneath, then not to feel bad for not laughing and also to not fall for feeling like you play them and smile undernearth it. That would actually be them playing you then.

Surely it’s normal to communicate on both levels in fact the actual communication of course is between the lines BUT they have 2 different things on both channels. Well actually this can also be playful but they act as if they are not communicating on one channel, actually robbing one of the actual important interaction where you would otherwise feel eased up and trusting. And all that could go as healthy anger into the attitude to have counter energy.

Advertisements

Dealing with people who talk at you

Here’s a mindset for this situation.

We all know people who are not really interested in an even conversation. In fact it is not a conversation. What usually happens is that the point of the story gets concealed and there are plenty of details that serve to confuse. It’s a confusing tactic be it conscious or not.

So you would need to focus on certain things:

1. Don’t get confused

The idea is to get what they want to say and then focus on that and not focus on all the meaningless details. You can picture their point hovering above their head and focus on that, you already got it, now you’re just waiting. This way you communicate without words that you are waiting for them to get to the point and you are polite though. It’s not needed to take it personal cause it would feed the dynamic. Sometimes we act dumb cause we don’t want to be impolite. So again when you focus on their point the words won’t confuse you. Other times the point is hard or impossible to get but then you could ask. If they act as if you were rude ..but this gets clear in the next point.

As for the point hovering over their head -“thing”, it’s still applicable just put a “?” in that space 😉 and dismiss the details, you could picture they move around you out of the window or such. It’s all about focus of attention/energy which you especially don’t want to put on yourself at least in a critical way or something among those lines if you know what i mean.

2. Turn it around

You could call it reverse gaslighting but it’s not really an aggressive act. They pretend to not intentionally come to the point. Well you can pretend that they struggle getting to the point and you help them out so they don’t have to talk so much. That’s what naturally would happen if it’s an even conversation between good friends and the other side would be thankful you let them know that you got it. People who talk at you though cannot relate mostly out of fear actually which helps to not take it personal although the theme of control is there too, but you can also not take this personal.

So let’s say you interrupt and let the person know you got their point – and it’s important to not do this aggressively, because you would only feed into the dynamic – they may get annoyed about it and villify you and if you took it personal in advance they will so to speak have a reason in their book be it un- or consciously. This may then cause guilt or something like that or it may escalate the situation even which may be something you do not want to bother with. Sure, if you want to pick a fight then why not but maybe you don’t want that.

But if you “act” as if you helped them out they may still act as if you were rude but you can then keep it up and find ways to communicate your reality such as: “Didn’t you want me to get your point?”

Realistic perception when dealing with controlling people: Name Calling

When dealing with a narcissistic or let’s say controlling person, having a realistic perception goes a long way.

So what is a realistic perception when you get called names? For example one gets called insecure. The main reason why it may get to us is because we are too zoomed in. The technique that can be applied here is to realistically translate the communication. So the actual meaning which comes down to a fact is the following:

“I know you are not insecure. I’m actually afraid of who you really are and I hate seeing people being themselves. The only reason you were insecure at times is because of my controlling behaviour. In fact I just saw you being very assertive and I didn’t like that so I’m trying to sell to you you would be insecure so you back down and doubt yourself and so I can control you better.”

I started to observe this in my family, whenever I was assertive somebody tried to sell me some lies. It just didn’t make any sense at some point not even on an emotional level.

You could even go further when you really look at it and start to see it is an indirect compliment for you being assertive or getting the facts straight etc. and at the same time this person is potentially admitting insecurity.

This reminds me of a useful line, a handy counter: “I know you are, but what am I?” and it expresses reality. But it can also make things worse.

That all being said feeling insecure is very human and I don’t mean to look at it as something to do away with, something unwanted. I am rather referring to insecure behaviour that is only resulting from dealing with a narcissistic person. It could also take the form of them laughing about you or calling you all kinds of other things.