When dealing with a narcissistic or let’s say controlling person, having a realistic perception goes a long way.
So what is a realistic perception when you get called names? For example one gets called insecure. The main reason why it may get to us is because we are too zoomed in. The technique that can be applied here is to realistically translate the communication. So the actual meaning which comes down to a fact is the following:
“I know you are not insecure. I’m actually afraid of who you really are and I hate seeing people being themselves. The only reason you were insecure at times is because of my controlling behaviour. In fact I just saw you being very assertive and I didn’t like that so I’m trying to sell to you you would be insecure so you back down and doubt yourself and so I can control you better.”
I started to observe this in my family, whenever I was assertive somebody tried to sell me some lies. It just didn’t make any sense at some point not even on an emotional level.
You could even go further when you really look at it and start to see it is an indirect compliment for you being assertive or getting the facts straight etc. and at the same time this person is potentially admitting insecurity.
This reminds me of a useful line, a handy counter: “I know you are, but what am I?” and it expresses reality. But it can also make things worse.
That all being said feeling insecure is very human and I don’t mean to look at it as something to do away with, something unwanted. I am rather referring to insecure behaviour that is only resulting from dealing with a narcissistic person. It could also take the form of them laughing about you or calling you all kinds of other things.